The life and times of a phone goddess!

What men say isn’t always what they mean. The list that follows gives you an insight into the mind of the sex crazed beings known simply as…men!

They say: I love you.

They mean: Get your knickers off; I’ve just got time for a quick one!

They say: Sorry about that, I got a little over excited.

They mean: I came, that’s all I’m worried about!

They say: Can I buy you a drink!

They mean: If I can get you drunk I’ll have better chance of fucking you!

They say: I’ll ring you.

They mean: Nice knowing you, now fuck off!

They say: I had a meeting that ran late.

They mean: I just fucked my secretary!

They say: No, thanks. I’ve got to be up early.

They mean: I fucked my secretary again!

They say: I really do love you.

They mean: I’m drunk!

They say: I really, really do love you.
They mean: I’m out of my face on crack!

They say: I’m just nipping out for half an hour.

They mean: I’m off down the pub to get pissed. I’ll see you tomorrow!

They say: Will you marry me?

They mean: Please suck my cock!

They say: I can’t see you tonight. I’m going out with my mates.

They mean: Fuck off, you’re dumped!

They say: Of course I remembered.

They mean: Oh shit, I forgot!

They say: Would you like to dance?

They mean: You’ve got a massive pair of tits and I want to see them wobble!

They say: You look gorgeous.

They mean: Fancy a fuck?

They say: Of course I’ll respect you in the morning.

They mean: Get your kit off, will you? I’m desperate!

They say: Yes, I’m single.

They mean: I’ve got a wife and three kids at home!

They say: I’m a brain surgeon.

They mean: I’ve just escaped from an asylum!

They say: My dick is huge.

They mean: I bet you’ve never seen one this small before!

They say: You’ve got a great personality.

They mean: You’re an ugly cow!

They say: I used to be a porn star.

They mean: I once videoed myself masturbating!

They say: I love the opera, too.

They mean: I’ll agree to anything if there’s a chance I might get laid!

They say: I used to be a professional footballer.

They mean: I had a trial for Accrington Stanley…and failed!

They say: Football’s on the telly.

They mean: Shut your gob and get me another beer!

They say: Of course I like your mother.

They mean: I hope the old bitch dies horribly in a horrific lawnmower accident!

They say: Of course I like your father.

They mean: He’s bigger than me and owns a shotgun!

They say: I care about you a lot.

They mean: I’m fucking someone else!

They say: I’ve always wondered what a threesome’s like.

They mean: I want to fuck your best mate!

They say: I’m sorry. I just don’t like her.

They mean: I’ve fucked your best mate!

They say: Honey, I’m home.

They mean: Get ‘em off; I’m as stiff as a board!

They say: Are you watching this?

They mean: This is crap. Fancy a quick one?

They say: That was the best sex ever.

They mean: I’m a vain, arrogant twat!

They say: How was it for you?

They mean: Am I the greatest or what?

They say: I’m sorry.

They mean: Shut your face, you moaning old bag!

They say: Really? That’s nice.

They mean: What the fuck are you talking about?

They say: You’re a very nice person.

They mean: You’re so damn ugly I’d be too embarrassed to be seen in public with you…now fuck off!

They say: It’s not you, it’s me.

They mean: It’s me!

They say: I’m not ready to commit to a serious relationship.

They mean: You’re a great fuck with massive tits, but you’ve got a face like a well-smacked arse!

They say: I’ve been hurt in the past.

They mean: I sleep around a lot and usually get caught!

And finally, the cherry on top.

They say: I do.

They mean: Not a fucking chance in hell!

To the women out there,

I've talked to many of my girl friends, both virgin and not, about sex. What seems to come up most in our discussions is, The Penis. Most fear it, others set out to tame it. For the shy kinda girl, it is not something they care to think about or deal with. It's alien, it's foreign, it moves on its own. As females we don't quite know how to deal with this, as we have nothing that is like that, all our body parts are fastened down as best they can be with the occasional jiggle and bounce. I remember when I wanted nothing to do with penises, even after I had sex. But, I came to realize, that for a fulfilling, happy, exciting relationship, girls, know your penis!

I never even looked at my first boyfriends "Pedro", but from what I remember about my first time, it was nothing to be amazed about. I mean, if your 16, just had your first sexual experience, and are thinking "Um, that was it? I went against my faith and years of learning abstinence is best, for this???" Yeah, sad. My next encounter with the "love sausage" was with my second boyfriend at 18. Again, no interest, no need to explore or learn about his body. My relationship with him ended with him forcing his cock on me, literally. Not very good experiences, but with my third boyfriend, I found myself mysteriously interested and fascinated by the product of his "Y" chromosome which dangled between his legs, wafting in breeze.

It's so different! Anything that can go from a flabby 2-3 inches to an 8-inch rock-hard behemoth, has to be one of the most compelling, amazing thing to watch. It did take more then one time for me to finally confront "God"(or little Tim, as I like to call him), but I was amazed at how much he filled me and completed me like neither one of my other boyfriends had. I knew he was bigger and thicker, so I was driven to see him.

Wow! How ugly can it get? I mean really, a common agreement between me and the girls I know who have wonderful penile relationships are: It's so ugly, it's cute! Like Chihuahuas or hairless cats. It's all shriveled and tiny and "floppy" when not in use, heavens, the balls appear huge in comparison, thoroughly dwarfing the little dangler. Yet when its like this, its incredibly mobile. You can take it at the base and move your hand and make it swing around like the rotors on a helicopter! I had never been so entertained by a minute object in all my life. Once, I actually found that you could press the balls up into the flaccid shaft and make it look kinda like two big bug eyes with long nose. He even let me draw eyes on it with a permanent marker! Is that love and devotion, or what?

When we go to sleep at night, I like to rest my hand on his genital area and wait. I love the feeling of it starting to harden. It's amazing how you feel it move on its own, twitching under my fingers. Soon, it has definitely grown beyond my hand. Then, the most amazing thing happens! It starts to move back and forth on its own! Guys should feel special, they can control the random movement of their hardened "fuck pole". We can't do it with anything we have. Show me a girl who can "wag" her clitoris and then I'll be impressed. Not only is it fascinating to watch him in his own control, but you would be amazed at what a good joystick it makes. If you ever want to get a giggle out of your man, simply act out one of his lame computer games using the penis as the throttle.

Not only does a girl have to get to know all the little wrinkles and waggles of her partners "trouser snake", she has to know the penis's two closest friends, the balls. These funny little sacks of flab look like somebody took walnuts and put them in a saggy latex bag. Really, these things are almost as fascinating as the penis. Not only are they funny looking, but they are covered in about 6 coarse hairs that are longer then anything you'll find on the chest. A man's whole "swimsuit area" is constantly under motion completely separate from the rest of the men's body, if the groin is its own being, then the balls are the brain. Not only is it wrinkly and separated into two spheres, it is under constant motion. You tickle the right side and the all the skin will wrinkle towards the touched area. You can make a game out of this. I can honestly say I have spent countless time sitting and watching the unconscious movement of the scrotum. Believe it or not, when you do this, you will also note that The Penis feels as though it is getting plenty of attention and put on a little wagging show for you accompanied by the shifting dance of the testicles.

We can find so many things about the male physique that is fascinating and worth exploring. Experimentation is the key to finding out all these different games and such. There is one thing to say, we can play with it, toy with it, pet it, stroke it, kiss it, whatever, but in the end, we only have to deal with it when we want to. We get the benefits while the men get that dangly feeling between the legs. We can laugh as we watch them adjust themselves from suffering from penis-and-balls-sticking-to-my-inner-thigh-syndrome. Giggle when you watch them have to adjust themselves because their willies get excited from you walking towards them. Ignore the fact that they can write their names in the snow while we squat, is it really worth the easy ejaculation or blue balls? No!

Women, take pride in your penises, get to know them, love them, name them. They will be your truest, most steadfast friends. Even if your man is mad at you, his penis will always forgive you. Not to mention, just the right touch, tap, and stroke, and he'll be moaning and forget what he was mad about. Take advantage of it, god didn't give men penises for their own use; they simply look after them till we're ready to play. I know that if we ever break up, the one thing I will demand is visitation rights to MY penis!

I hear it in your voice. I see it in the way you look at me. You show it when you lick your lips after saying my name. As if the very mention of my existence should be caressed by your tongue. You wonder what I would feel like underneath you. You want to touch me, to smell my skin. It’s all possible. Close your eyes and picture me.

I’m behind you. You hear footsteps and instantly know it’s me. You turn to see my smile of recognition. As usual, I’m happy to see you. I lace my fingers with yours as I move into you. You wrap your arms around me, trapping my hands behind my back. You lean in towards me. Slowly, hesitantly with a question in your eyes. I part my lips and tilt my head, granting permission.

The kiss is gentle and explorative. You test the waters. I open my mouth wider to give our tongues more room to play. You release my hands to stroke my ass. My hands frame your face as we move closer still. You can smell my perfume. It’s exotic, floral, and just what you expected. The kiss deepens as your hands roam over my body, committing the feel of my shape to memory. Your mouth moves to my neck, your hand on the back of my head, as you taste my warm skin.

You back me up against the wall. You wrap both of my wrists in your strong hand and raise my arms above my head, holding me in place. Your other hand undoes a button on my blouse. You slowly trail a finger against the skin you’ve exposed. You explore my collarbone, tracing the curve underneath my blouse towards my shoulder.

You undo another button. The tops of my breasts are visible. You can see the sheerness of my bra… the shadow of cleavage in the cleft between my breasts.

Another button. You see my nipples harden, straining against the bra’s fabric. You trace the dark areolas with your fingertip.

Another button. The full, round shape of my breasts are visible. You cup them, one by one, cataloguing the sensation.

Another button. A very light trail of hair starts above my belly button. You tickle this spot with fluttering fingers.

The last button. The trail of hair continues into the waistband of my jeans. You trace this rim of cotton around my waist, dipping a finger and teasing the sensitive skin at the base of my spine. My hips push forward as you unsnap my pants. You release my hands and inhale slowly. You watch my hands fall to my sides, waiting on my reaction to freedom and my state of undress.

My hands encircle your neck as I take a step apart. You breathe an almost inaudible sigh of relief. You grab handfuls of my pants. Pulling, you lower yourself with them. You put your face in my crotch. You hadn’t expected my pussy to smell so sweet. I look down to watch you linger there, your nose at the v of my damp slit. Your eyes are closed as you press your face into the sheer fabric of my panties and breathe deeply.

I place my hands on your shoulders as you remove my shoes, jeans, and panties. You rise slowly, running your hands up the length of my heated physique. Your hands reach my bra and stop abruptly as if assaulted by the thin material. You quickly undo the clasp and pull it from my arms. You take a step back and wonder at the notion of having me gloriously naked in front of you. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of my nakedness. I boldly meet your gaze as we stare into each other’s eyes. Your eyes travel over my skin, caressing me as if it were a touch. You have a knowing smile on your face. You step in, outlining my face with your hands. You kiss me, thoroughly, completely ……weakening my knees. My breath catches in my chest. This passion is the most intense I’ve ever known.

Your tongue probes every corner of my moth. Our tongue’s frenzied dance quickens my pulse. You release me to look deeply into my eyes. I see another question there. I whisper, “Yes,” in response.

You move me to the bed arranging me on my side. I hear you remove your clothes and then you are with me, spooned against my backside. Your hands begin a gentle journey of my body. Starting at the curve of my breast, sliding slowly over my ribcage, moving down into the indentation of my waist, back up over the curve of my hip, over my thigh and behind my leg up to where my ass and thigh meet. You play with the rounded shelf my full ass displays.

You lift my leg and place it behind me, over your hip. You reach around to find my moist center. You insert a finger and move in light circles, enjoying the sounds my wet pussy is making. The head of your hard dick presses against my dripping hole. She’s ready for you. In one fluid motion, you bury yourself deep inside me. Filling me. I can feel your pubic hair on my ass and I revel in the thought that I have all of your wonderful manhood inside me. My muscles contract to hold you firmly in place. You begin to slide out unhurriedly. You enter me again at a leisurely pace. This feeling is bliss.

I concentrate on my muscles, keeping my pussy tight, enveloping you. You plant yourself deep inside and rotate your hips, furthering your penetration. Your hands move to my breasts. The nipples are tight and hard. A soft moan escapes my lips. This slow, smooth love is what you knew I’d like. My moans deepen and become louder. Your pace quickens as you bite and suck on my back and neck. I can feel the heat of the bruises as you leave your mark on my flesh.

Your fingers and mine tangle together above our heads. With your free hand, you pinch my nipple and squeeze it roughly. I cry out in pain/pleasure, unsure where one ends and the other begins. I am pushing my ass against you, silently begging for release. You finally release my nipple and reach down to touch my clit. I gasp and that fuels your fire. You trace your finger along the lips of my sex feeling the way your dick is stretching my pussy open. Just for you. You increase the tempo of your hips, slapping yourself against me. You place your hand firmly on my hairless mound to ensure the deepest excavation possible.

My moans are increasing in volume and frequency. You can tell from the sounds I am making that I will cum soon. You finger my clit and my head moves back into your shoulder. I climax, squeezing your hand and gripping the sheets. I yell your name, over and over again as an intense white-hot heat surges through me. You continue ravaging my pussy with your dick and hand until I feel your body begin to spasm. Your face is in my hair, breathing in my scent. You growl deep in your chest. The sounds you are making and your fingers bring me to another orgasm. It starts at my sensitive clit, underneath your fingertips and radiates outward, rippling through every nerve. I can feel spurts of your hot cum filling my sacred space. You whisper my name as your body stills. I can hear a smile in your voice. We are silent as the power of what happened consumes us. I don’t want to break the silence, but I feel compelled to tell you what has been true from the first time you smiled at me………

“I belong to you.”

Not bad if I do say so myself

I have offically had my creepiest caller ever. He started out your average freak. Has this cock harness with spikes that he likes to put on and as you talk to him he gets aroused and the spikes kick in blah, blah. Last night though he upped his game big style. Now One of my characters is named Monica, she is a blonde bust cardiac nurse, very dominant. Well he stats asking me what I wore under my uniform. I tell him red velvet of course. Start with my bra which is a half bra, he's breathing heavy, tell him the panties are french cut velvet with a suspender belt and he's moaning. Then it begins, he asks if I set the monitors off, I say naturally. Then he enquires if by being a cock tease I have ever killed one of my paitents. It progresses there to him wanting me to explain how I suffocated the old men with my cleavage, or trapped them between my thighs of death till they pop. Very disturbing man. I don't think that having the pussy of death would actually be that fun. At some point people would notice that all who fucked me died. Then again maybe being a sexual super villian could be fun

Realised last night I am getting awful bored. Starting to use the same lines on all of them which is not good in my opinion. I don't ever want to sound like I can't be bothered. It's very important to be grateful for the things you get I think. I look at it like this, there are bazillions of phone bitches out there, and if out of all of them they choose me to spend their dime on then that deserves a bit of respect. So I try not to sound like I'm not interested, I don't moan the minute they come on the line. but most important I don't judge..God I am nearly perfect

Another one bites the dust. Leo has walked, at this rate there will be more walkers than evictions. Getting a bit depressing. I am hoping Face is gonna win, but thats probably because he is my fellow countryman...It's really become a big old nasty pile of caca now though. I must pray to the Big Brother Gods for a better show

Been a scorcher all night. Had a fab chat with Matt, he's got a wonder woman thing which is quite amusing. Had dinner with my best friend tonight and we went and saw this fab blues band in Cardiff. They were really hot. All in all a good day aside from the unholy weather. Hope everyone else managed to stay dry and not be blown to Oz. xoxox

Just had my favorite caller. Can't be good liking him this much. He has a voice that is just so mmmmmmmmm that I lose all sense of perspective. He is what makes my job so fucking fun I can't stand it. It's like the butterflies you get when you are first with someone. and after umpteen shags the butterflies go away. But because he is phone man its always new. Hence my never ending lust for him Sometimes I really love what i do lol.

Just got through answering a help me help me emailabout keep the attention of your phone friend. It's all about pace and keep Johnny Hard-on on the line as long as possible... So for the first time I unveil the Seven minute blowjob! Be amazed

Ask: Where are you? [in bed, couch, car etc.]

# What are you wearing?

# I'm going to take your cock out [of your pants, towel, briefs, etc.] and I'm going to look at you right in your eyes and I'm going to give you a really sexy smile...

# Then I'm going to make my lips really soft and really wet (mmmmmm) Do you like that? [always try to get your customer to engage with you if you can]

# then I'm going to start to lick and lap your balls...(moaning and slurping :10)
# Now, I'm going to take one of your balls and I'm going to pop it in my mouth and I'm going to roll it around with my tongue just like this (moaning and slurping 10 seconds)

# Then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take your other ball and I'm going to stretch it just slightly in your ball sack I'm going to lick it and roll it around with my tongue just like the other one

# Now, I'm going to stretch your ball sack and I am going to lap your balls through it. [Stretch your balls for me mmmmm do you like that?]

# Then I'm going to lift up your balls and I'm going to take my tongue and you know that spot right under your balls that's like the base of your cock? ...I'm going to take my tongue and flick it just like this (flicking noise 5 seconds) mmmm did you like that? [flicking noise 5 more seconds.] Just like this...(moan slurp 10 seconds)

# I bet that made your cock really hard didn't it...

# Now I'm going to look at you right in your eyes...mmmmm....and I'm going to lick you all the way from the base of your cock to the head of your cock just as if you were a giant popsicle...mmmm..I'm going to lick you just like this (slurp 10-15 sec)

# then I'm going to take my tongue and I'm going to round and round the head of your cock and I'm going to stick my tongue right in your pee hole...and I'm going to lick your precum right out of the head of it...

# then I'm going to slather my lips with your precum....and I'm going to smoosh my lips together...and I'm going to look you right in the eye and I'm going to give you a nastyest little smile...and there will be a strand of precum just hanging right between my lips...just like in magazines....and I'm going to lick it right off my lips and I'm going to swallow it mmmm yummy...

# and I'm going to climb up and give you a nice French kiss....I'm going to make my lips so soft and I am going to put my tongue right in your mouth and you can put your tongue in mine [moan] and my mouth is going to get sooooo wet. And you know what else gets wet when a girls mouth gets wet? [get him to say it] that's right her pussy gets wet. and my pussy is sooo wet baby, feel it.

# Proceed to Oral Sex on YOU and then lick your Pussy Juice off of his cock, deep throat him and swallow his hot load or let him simply cum all over your tits, tummy, face [called a "facial"], or elsewhere.

So I thought I had your garden variety submissive boy earlier. I was actually getting quite bored with him so I decided to up his game for him. I figured I would push him over the edge, he'd not be able to cope and just piss off so i could talk to someone more interesting. So I get him to go get his toothbrush and a shoelace from his trainers. He comes back having fetched the shit and I put him on his knees in front of his mirror. I want him to have a good view of the whore he really is blah, blah. So I tell him to take the shoelace under his balls and bring it up over his tiny useless cock and tie it together in a nice tight bow. I then tell him that Monica's rule number 1 is I don't play with dirty cocks so scrub it with the toothbrush. At this point I expected to hear the click...but no this boy went for the mirror finish.
Brings all new meaning to oral hygiene